


who lives, who dies, who tells your story

by drqco



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Cancer, Hamilton References, Leukemia, Like, M/M, Sad, it's really sad, pretty angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-20 01:11:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drqco/pseuds/drqco
Summary: you have no controlwho liveswho dieswho tells your story.





	who lives, who dies, who tells your story

**Author's Note:**

> hamilton has taken over my life.

A part of him wants to die already. Part of him wants to just give up now so he won't suffer it later. But he'll stay, right now. For Barry.

\---

He takes out his phone and texts Barry. He'll walk to his apartment tonight. 

_Julian: hey, can i come over later?_ He enters the hospital and takes the elevator to floor three. He talks to the receptionist with blue dinosaurs on her scrubs and he signs in. 

_Barry: babe, you're always welcome here. you know that. why do you ask?_

_Julian: it's proper. i'll see you later. i have my doctor's appointment._

He turns off his phone and the nurse calls him in. They ran tests on him before this appointment. The doctor wanted to discuss the results. He walks into the office, taking a seat on the green chair. A picture of a small girl was hung up. After a few minutes of waiting, the doctor comes in. She looks a lot like Caitlin, her eyes and hair were similar. 

"Hi, I'm Doctor Karmes. You're Julian Albert, right?"

He nods.

"I was reviewing your test results and we have bad news," there's a look of sadness on her face, a sound of hesitancy in her voice. "Have you've been experiencing frequent nosebleeds and/or bruises, fatigue or weakness, and have you been losing more weight than usual without trying?" He nods, that's why he scheduled this appointment in the first place. She goes back to her papers and writes a few things down. 

"You have leukemia. Stage 3." 

He looks at her with disbelief. "Cancer?" She nods sadly. She slides him a pamphlet. It was about leukemia and how to treat it. "If the symptoms change or subside, please come back immediately. We can schedule your appointments and treatment later. All right, have a good day," she shakes his hand and she walks out the door. That's it. Now all he has to do is tell everyone he loves goodbye. He'll tell Barry instead. 

\---

He schedules an appointment for next month. He picks up some medicine and starts on the walk home to drop it off. Maybe he'll stop at Jitters. He exits the hospital and takes out his phone. 

"How'd it go?" Barry asks when he answers. "I'll tell you later," he responds back, careful to not have sadness in his voice. "Alright. Want me to 'Flash' over? God, I love saying that," Barry adds with a laugh. He lets out a laugh too, but answers back with "No, it's alright. I'm here anyways. Your apartment is like, five minutes away." 

"Okay. Want me to order some food?" 

"If you want." 

"Alright. Love you. Bye." 

"Bye. I love you too." 

He ends the call and fiddles for his keys in his pocket. He opens his apartment door and places his medications on the counter. 

He still doesn't know what to say to Barry. 

\--- 

"Jules!" 

He opens the door and engulfs him in a hug. He inhales his scent, cinnamon and coffee. When they break apart, he goes on his toes and places a kiss on Barry's nose. "Let's watch Harry Potter," he tells Barry. He rolls his eyes but turns around to put it in the Blu-Ray player. He takes off his coat and hangs it on the rack. He takes off his shoes and shuffles around the apartment in his socks. The opening credits play in the background and he hands Barry some food. They sit on the couch and eat, a comfortable silence hangs over them. 

"Barry?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Can I talk with you for a second?" Barry looks at him with confusion but proceeds to turn off the TV. He moves and faces Julian, running a hand through his dirty blonde hair. "What happened?" he asks. He looks down in his lap, he's so nervous. "Cancer." 

Barry stops. He looks him in the eyes and he looks terrified. Julian starts crying, and all Barry does is hold him, because that's all he could do. 

\--- 

He's awake next to Barry, sweaty and exhausted from the events earlier. "Am I going to die, Barry?" He asks, voice shaky. Barry pulls him closer. He feels Barry placing kisses on his neck. "No." 

There was uncertainty in Barry's voice. "It's going to be okay, Julian." 

\--- 

He was at Star Labs when it happened. 

"No, that's not possible. How will the car do that jump?" They were discussing Cisco's niece's physics project, which was designing and building a roller coaster. "An electromagnet, duh," Cisco says as if the answer was right in front of him. He rolls his eyes and goes back to drawing some more designs. 

"Isn't this her project?" 

"I need to pay her back. She convinced Cindy to date me." 

It's then when his head starts pounding. He coughs hard, he sees blood on his arm. Cisco rushes over to him and catches him right before he falls. "Crap, Jul. Cait! Call a damn ambulance!" 

He'd be lying if he said he didn't want to die right there and then. 

\--- 

He goes to his first chemotherapy session a month later, Barry's there, holding his hand the whole way through. He moves lethargically, every moves seems to take all his energy. "I love you," he slurs out, a lazy smile dancing on his lips. "Love you too." 

Barry talks to him, about his day and he misses him so much. Just then, his phone buzzes. It was Cisco. "There's a robbery at the Jewelry store. Are you at chemo with Jul? 'Cause I could ask Wally," Cisco says. "Yeah, yeah. Tell Wally thank you," he ends the phone call and turns back to Julian. "Should'da gone," he hears Julian says with his eyes closed. He kisses Julian on the lips, which elicits a smile from him. 

"I'd rather be with you." 

\--- 

"You're losing it," Barry runs a hand through whatever was left of Julian's hair. 

He shoots up, which sends a pain through his lower back. "Damn it," he says. Barry hugs him, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. "You're alright," he whispers. He's terrified, now. Scared of everything that'll happen because of his sickness. God, he's going to die. He didn't trust the doctors, they said he'd live past his birthday. There was uncertainty in their voices. 

"What happens when I die, Bar?" 

" _If_ , you die you mean," Barry says with no hesitation. 

"Everyone dies, Bar." 

"I mean, not until you're ninety-nine." Barry laughs and he starts to laugh too. His sides hurt, but it's fine. He leans over and kisses where Barry's neck met his shoulder. He kisses him until oxygen leaves his lungs and he leaves him breathless. "What was that for?" Barry asks between kisses. He can't respond, he's too busy kissing him. "Just 'cause, I guess." 

He rests his head against Barry's chest, and Barry lets him. It's almost Bar's birthday, he thinks to himself. He was going to take Barry to New York, Barry's never been. He can't now, with the medications, the rent, and he hasn't been getting paid as much as before since he doesn't work a lot now. Why does Barry stick around? He deserves better. 

Julian turns his head to ask Barry, but he finds him asleep. He'll ask him later. 

\--- 

He's in the hospital again, amber-colored bottles line the table to his right. Doctors and nurses come and go pressing needles and poking into paper-thin skin. Barry is there by him, squeezing his hand the way through. Julian had collapsed the day before again. He simply was typing one of the cases into the computer when he started coughing blood. That's when Barry rushed him to the hospital. Barry sighs and scoots closer to him. He puts the red beanie on Julian's head. 

A nurse comes in to check on him. Barry looks at her in the eyes and asks, "He's not gonna make it, is he? Past his birthday?" The nurse looks surprised. She runs a hand through her brown hair and sighs. She looks down at her hands and shakes her head. 

"No." 

\--- 

"Happy birthday, to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Barry! Happy birthday to you!" Julian walks over with the cake and lights the twenty eight candles. "Blow your candles, Barry!" Iris says. That causes him to snicker. "Make a wish," Caitlin says with a smile. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Julian fixing his beanie and giving a thumbs up to him. 

He closes his eyes and everyone goes silent. He makes his wish. 

When he was younger, his wish was always the same. _Mom, come back."_ It has changed now. He wishes that Julian would be cured and they'd grow old together. 

He blows out his candles and everyone cheers. He smiles and Cisco lets him cut his cake. He hands slices to everyone and Joe puts an arm around him. "You're getting old, kid," he says with a laugh. He gives him a small smile. "You okay, Bar?" Joe looks at him with concern. They're sitted on his couch, away from everyone. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. It's just that Julian is getting sicker," he gulps, "the doctor said he wouldn't live past his birthday." He twiddles with his thumbs and looks down at his hands. Joe puts a hand on his shoulder. "Julian is a strong person. He'll fight this, everyone knows it. I mean, he's strong enough to put up with you," Barry snickers and playfully punches him in the shoulder. "Yeah, okay. Let's go back to the party." 

"You turned down tickets to _Hamilton?_ Mate, I bet even Savitar wouldn't turn down Hamilton! 

"I was busy, okay? Plus, I didn't want to travel all the way to New York." 

"Cisco, I swear..." 

He walks into Caitlin, Cisco, Iris, and Julian arguing about musicals. Wally and HR knew nothing about them. "Okay, break it up," he puts hands between all of them, making a speed mirage. "Cisco turned down tickets to Hamilton! _Hamilton!_ " Caitlin whines. He just shakes his head at Cisco. "I'd like to make a toast," he holds up to bottle of Coke he was drinking earlier. Everyone holds up their drinks. "This is for Julian. Jules, you're strong, handsome, and incredibly witty. I really should save this for Valentine's next year but I don't care. I love you so much. To Julian!" he shouts and he sees Julian blush. "To Julian!" everyone says. That makes him walk over to him and he kisses him on the lips, dipping him. "I love you so much, Barry Allen." 

"I love you too." 

\--- 

He's getting worse. 

More blood, bruises, nosebleeds. He moved in with Barry, the rent was getting higher at his place and he spent most of his money on the new set of drugs the doctors put him on. The insurance only covered some of the drugs. His head is spinning and his stomach hurts. Barry's gone, dealing with a meta. He'd be there, talking to him through the comms but Barry insisted that he stay and rest. 

"Julian?" he hears the apartment door open and in comes Barry. He's bruised in multiple places. He walks over and assesses the damage. "What happened?" he asks weakly. "Meta," he places a kiss on Julian's forehead. He sighs and walks over to the kitchen, Barry's hand in his. He takes out some cream and rubs it gently onto the bruises. "They should feel better after a bit," he says and puts the cream away. "You hungry?" Julian asks. "No, you?" he shakes his head. "Go shower, then we'll sleep," he pushes him into the bathroom. He turns around and places a kiss on his cheek. "Love you." 

"Love you too." 

Soon they're lying together, legs tangled together, chests touching, they were intertwined. 

They kiss lazily, enjoying each other's presence. "Once I finish chemo, I'll be invincible, you know." Barry smiles. 

"You already are." 

\--- 

It's almost his birthday, he might make it. 

Until a fever hits him. 

His temperature kept fluctuating. Normal, warm, burning. He breaks out into more coughing fits. He feels dizzy and nauseous most of the time. Barry says he looks pale and sickly and thin. He's dying. 

Barry is worried. He tried to get his temperature to normal. Cold washcloths, water, and opened windows. Nothing worked. He's texting Iris when he hears Julian say, "I'm dying." 

He immediately rushes over to him and smoothes his hair. "No, no. You're not," he repeats. He feels tears cool his face and he looks at Barry before breaking into another coughing fit. "I-I am." He pulls him closer and let his head rest in his lap. "No. You're going to grow old with me and we're going to defeat Savitar together, alright? I need to go call-" 

"Please don't. Just, just stay." Barry nods. "You know I'll never leave you," he lets out a broken sob. He thought Julian would make it, past his birthday. He would take him somewhere where only he and Julian knew. "I'm scared," Julian whispers. "I'm here, Jules. I'm here." 

Barry leans over and grabs the water from the nightstand. He helps Julian drink. "I love you lots, Barry," Julian smiles. Barry kisses Julian. They hold each other in silence. Barry's sobs and cries fill the room. "I'm sorry, Barry. I'm sorry that we had to go through this. I'm sorry that it had to be this way," Julian brushes the stray hair from Barry's face, the way he always did. "You aren't dying." 

Julian shakes his head weakly. "Never forget about me, will you?" 

"If I do, I'll let you punch me and I'll punch myself." 

A pain shoots through his stomach, which eventually leads up to his head. _This is the end,_ he thinks. He thought it'd be differently. Barry cups his cheek, running a thumb along his cheekbone. He lets out a yawn. He was tired. 

"I'm tired," Julian says with his eyes closed. "I love you," he tells Barry again. He hears Barry let out another sob. He opens his eyes and etches Barry's face into his mind, his eyes, his nose, his beautiful lips. This would be the last time he'd see them. "Close your eyes, Julian. Sleep, now," he whispers against his forehead. 

"I'm not going to wake up." 

"It's okay, it's okay. You fought so well. Go to sleep now, Jules." 

Julian nods and closes his eyes. His breathing was irregular, as if his lungs were doing everything they could for more oxygen. Barry holds him until he hears his breathing stops and all his memories flood his mind. "Jules," he chokes out. 

He ends up calling the first person in his contacts, Cisco. He screams into the phone and Cisco is the one who calls 911. The paramedics take him away and Julian's gone. 

He'd be lying if he said that he wasn't gone, too. 


End file.
